This is Article #1 in Single and Still Breathing: Subject SOCIAL: Dating and Friendship
Become Best Friends Before Marriage: 10 Ways to Plant the Ripe; Rich Fruit of Friendship
PLEASE COMMENT BELOW ON HOW TO “Become Best Friends Before Marriage”
Couples who start out in marriage without really getting to know each other, getting to the point of a deep and true-friendship are possibly missing the best part of romance. Spencer W. Kimball wrote: “The successful marriage depends in large measure upon the preparation made in approaching it. … One cannot pick the ripe, rich, luscious fruit from a tree that was never planted, nurtured, nor pruned” (The Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. 242).
Jonn D. Claybaugh, bishop of a BYU ward said in his talk Dating: Time to Become Best Friends, “Courtship is a time to discover who you and your partner really are—and how to nourish your relationship.”
He tells of President Ezra Taft Benson courting his wife Flora whom he dated for seven years (many of these they were apart at college and a mission). They “talked for hours, exploring their feelings about a future together. … The more they talked, the more comfortable they felt with each other.”
He told of a couple who met and married quickly – then into their marriage problems came up and their relationship began to deteriorate because he said, “they had not properly built an enduring friendship before marriage.”
So, why is it so critical that couples become best friends before marriage? And, what is a best friend or bestie? How does a couple become best friends BEFORE MARRIAGE?
Here are 10 Ways to plant the ripe; rich fruit of friendship:
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #1: Show Interest
Will Rogers said, “You’ve got to go out sometimes on a limb, because that is where the fruit is.”
This means you take a chance on like and love by expressing interest first rather than waiting for someone to express interest. A young couple could have made it to the next level–developing a relationship if they just didn’t give each other double messages: showing interest one minute and then a lack of interest the next, hoping she would show interest first. She did the same; neither going out on a limb.
“Going out on a limb” could mean that you tell the other person how you feel about them. There are many ways to do this without coming out and saying, “I like you,” or “I love you.” These emotions can be in the way you respond to them, or showing interest first. It is said, “You only have one change to make a good first impression.” So, let that light of interest show in your eyes, your expression, be interested, but don’t be too bold or abrupt.
To illustrate this, come with me to the 1940 pride and prejudice movie when Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy arrive at the ball, Elizabeth’s mother instructs the girls how to make a good first impression. In practicing how she will respond to meeting them Mary tends to go overboard. The mother says, “Mary sparkle!” and Mary she beams a huge grin and flutters her eyelashes. The mother abruptly says, “Just a little!” So, when you show interest don’t be too bold, but put a natural interest into your expression.
PANEL RESPONSE “How to Show Interest”:
• “If I were to choose between two girls who were equally attractive, I would choose the one who shows the most interest in me.”
• “I think of flirting or showing interest like lighting a candle. If you come on too weak the candle may never be lit, or not make an impression. If you come on too bold you may blow out the light.”
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #2: Strike up a Mind/Heart Conversation
What did Aristotle mean when he wrote, “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.”
I often wonder why some people are so cold–not caring what others think or feel. Being single we run into these types of people. They may be intelligent in some things, but ignorant in others. Marjorie Wilson, 1920s silent film star said, “The secret of charm is to take your mind off yourself and focus on others.” So here is our challenge: Really ask them questions you want to know and listen to their answers. This way you will as Aristotle said–educate the heart. Feelings for that person can begin to grow and develop into love if one truly wants to know and asks the right questions.
So what are things you can chat about–or I should say “snapchat” about if texting on you i-phone? Topics of conversation can be connected to WHO, WHAT, WHY, WHEN, WHERE, HOW and your little emoticons can accompany them. But if you are in direct conversation let your eyes and body language and of course your words help you develop that friendship.
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #3: Develop a Good Listening Ear
William Hazlitt “The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.”
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #4: Let Your Minds Meet
“The most fruitful and natural exercise for our minds is, in my opinion, conversation.” – Michel de Montaigne. In the black-and-white movie Shop Around the Corner, Jimmy Stewart is talking about “Dear Friend” a girl he is writing to that he hasn’t met yet. He doesn’t know if she is beautiful or not; but he is attracted to her mind. He says, “What does it matter as long as our minds meet?” Then there is another where Thomas Ford wrote, “I did but see her passing by, and yet I’ll love her ’til I die.”
Conversation is where two friends have a meeting of the minds, where words are spoken, giving them a chance to decide if they want the relationship to continue. If one gets distracted by the physical attraction then it is difficult for minds to meet. I once had a friend who told the person she was lined up with that they both could go on the date if he wore a paper bag over his head and she would do the same. If they got along after the first date then she would consider another (not wanting the physical attraction to get in the way).
If you are tongue-tied, not knowing what to say, here’s a little trick. Imagine that you are old friends that you have known each other for years. Assume that they like you. Then go from there. If you need to practice ahead of time, do so with a friend you know and trust. Then once you are with the date/potential best friend, you can relax as you will have topics to discuss allowing minds to meet.
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #5: Date vs. Hanging Out
In his talk Dating versus Hanging Out Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles talks of the indecision some college graduates have in … accepting the responsibilities of marriage and family. He says that “Hanging out” is very different from dating–joining together in a group activity. He said, “Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage.” Dating involves commitments, if only for a few hours. Hanging out requires no commitments, at least not for the men if the women provide the food and shelter.” Young men after their mission are to look for someone to pair off with.
“Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. . . . lock the pantry and bolt the front door.” – Dallin H. Oaks. He also said to then (“hang up a sign” metaphorically speaking) to be “open for individual dates” and to make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date.
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #6: Stop Waiting – Plan Your Life and Prepare
In his talk Dating versus Hanging Out Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles talks of how Heavenly Father’s plan relies on our covenants or commitments kept. Whatever draws us away from commitments weakens our capacity to participate in the plan. He said, “If you are just marking time waiting for a marriage prospect, stop waiting. You may never have the opportunity for a suitable marriage in this life, so stop waiting and start moving.”
“Prepare yourself for life—even a single life—by education, experience, and planning. Don’t wait for happiness to be thrust upon you. Seek it out in service and learning. Make a life for yourself. And trust in the Lord (Mosiah 4:11)” – Dallin H. Oaks. He said to follow King Benjamin’s advice to call “on the name of the Lord daily, and [stand] steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come” (Mosiah 4:11).
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #7: Accept Each Other “As Is”
Shakespeare wrote, “A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
Developing a friendship before marriage requires that one look without criticism–then if one wants to walk away they can–yet allow the other person to be themselves. Isn’t this all a part of free agency? One couple while dating decided if they were to marry they would have to accept each other “as is” meaning that if there is something they don’t like about the other (within reason) they were be realistic that one is not perfect–in their eyes and let it go. They have been married six years now; she 85 and he 95–still going strong.
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #8: Long Courtship – Short Engagement
Elder Hugh B. Brown concurs: “Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry. … Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain] physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their proposed companions, to know each other’s likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 27, 34).
Jonn D. Claybaugh encourages us in his talk Dating: Time to Become Best Friends to not rush toward marriage before they know anything about each other. He said, “A feeling of urgency early in a relationship can sometimes be a red flag. It does not necessarily mean that your partner is the wrong person, but it does signal a need to stand back and perhaps investigate other alternatives. We must not be in a hurry, acting on impulse and emotion alone.”
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #9 Refrain from Excess (Spending & Intimacy)
If the dating gets too elaborate or expensive this could limit the amount of time you can spend together. Finances needed to be saved for future. Refraining from too much physical affection can also cloud the relationship of getting to know each other as best friends. So, choose simple dates that invite conversation and that don’t require too much cash or too much physical. Jonn D. Claybaugh in Dating: Time to Become Best Friends says, “Physical intimacy before marriage also blocks the development of true friendship. . . . the highest forms of love are inspired by the Spirit, not by hormones.” I like this because of my Institute leader compared the different pieces of the “Romance Pie” where the physical is not even 1/4th of the relationship, yet it can block the communication of the other parts of the pie–that of getting to know each other–that would be critical to a long lasting, celestial type love. Without this a couple might not make it through the hard times (see the introductory statement above). Jonn quoted Alma 38:12: “Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love.”
WAYS TO PLANT FRIENDSHIP #10 Be Yourself
“Being yourself is a win-win because: (1) You will attract that special person to you who likes you for who you are. (2) They can then feel free to be who they really are. (3) You are both comfortable and happy as there is no pretense.” – Jenn Ross, The Quote Queen (quotequeenquotes.com)
Jonn D. Claybaugh states this in his talk Dating: Time to Become Best Friends “When we first date somebody, we may try to mask our faults and make ourselves as appealing as possible. To develop an honest relationship, however, we must move beyond superficial appearances and allow our true selves to emerge.” This way there will not be surprises later. One woman was on television confessing she didn’t let her mate see her without makeup for 27 years. When he finally did, perhaps he may like her better. Who knows. Marilyn Monroe said it right when she said something like: “I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell (heck) don’t deserve me at my best.” See #7 Accept Each Other “As Is”.
MORE IDEAS YOU MAY WANT TO GO TO:
• LDS LIVING MAGAZINE: 10 Crucial Questions Every Mormon Should Ask Their Fiance Before Marriage
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Become Best Friends Before Marriage: 10 Ways to Plant the Ripe; Rich Fruit of Friendship
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