This is Article #2 in Single and Still Breathing: Subject SOCIAL: Dating and Friendship
KEEP LOVE ALIVE: 10 Ways to Love Yourself So You Can Love Others
PLEASE COMMENT BELOW ON HOW TO “Love Yourself So You Can Love Others”
Are you like the “ostrich that buried their head in the sand”? Do you avoid love or loving deeply because you are not mature enough or brave enough? Do you really truly love yourself and accept yourself? If you don’t, are you like the ostrich with its head in the sand?
I know you and I are better looking than this ostrich, yet we all feel like burying ourselves or even our talents at times. However, in the real world with real people we need to get real with our feelings and with our image so that we feel comfortable around others. This way we won’t want to hide. On the other extreme are those who are too self-absorbed and don’t really care about others?
Modeling agencies teach runway models to perfect their look and then they can put on a show and connect with the audience. A friend who was a fashion model in her earlier years was so obsessed about the way she looked that she couldn’t really relax around others; especially those she valued. One day right after she had been jogging a good-looking man wanted to visit with her. She was so uncomfortable about not looking right that he left within five minutes of their conversation. Telling her psychologist about this, he said, “What do you think you need to be, a china doll on a shelf in order for someone to like you?”
The challenge is to do like the fashion model, to get the look we want or start to get the look we want, groom, eat right, exercise, and all those other things so that we look and feel good, and then forget about ourselves. The reason for all this self-time prep is to be ready to focus on others (look and feel good about you so you can forget about you), as, “A person WRAPPED up in themselves is a very small PACKAGE.” – The Quote Queen
So, to turn your eye toward others, taking the eye off yourself is a challenge. Here are 10 Keep Love Alive strategies that will quickly bring you to LOVING YOURSELF AND OTHERS (creating the perfect LOVE balance).
Keep Love Alive #1 – The Secret of Charm is to take your Mind off Yourself and Focus on Others.
The author of this quote, Marjorie Wilson in her 1925 vintage book “The Woman You Want to Be” tells about a man seeing a “beautiful” woman in the distance, and then when he got closer–suddenly “hag” appeared? Her facial expressions and mannerisms indicated that she was “wrapped up in herself.” What made the difference? She was not attentive to those around her. It is said that self-preoccupation is your number one social enemy. So, when you are with others, let them feel you are really with them.
Sometimes you can’t tell the difference between someone who is an shy and someone who is arrogant; they appear distant and cold. There is a balanced personality called the ambrovert that is inbetween the introvert and the extrovert. This is the ideal. When needed you can be an introvert to allow others to express themselves, or you can be an extrovert to bring others out–allowing them to get to know you better. What qualities do you consider when looking at these three types of personalities? Where are you? How do you appear?
Keep Love Alive #2 – KEEP UP APPEARANCES by updating your image and surroundings; they are a reflection of you and part of your charm.
“If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear. ” – Confucius
SO UPDATE YOUR IMAGE SO YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR — NO ONE IS PERFECT, However, you can create the perfect–almost perfect you–so good that you FEEL GOOD on the outside and then you can truly be CHARMING on the outside.
Yes, if you have a flaw–work on it. I once had a friend tell me: “If you’re not married, think about your possible flaws and work on them. Get the right help to update your image, fix physical flaws, or work on your health or fitness or other things that bother you or others about you, so that you are confident and secure with yourself.” I liked this because we all have things we can work on–and besides they will keep us occupied so that the time goes faster and sooner than later (because we have fixed those flaw-things) we will find our mate.
ARE YOU PROJECTING A TRUE YOU “IMAGE” BEFORE MARRIAGE? WHAT DO OTHERS EXPECT OF YOU? I like the book by Gary Chapman (The 5 Love Languages author) who wrote: “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” on p. 35, the Author tells of a man whose wife wore makeup before they were married and once married she stopped wearing makeup. He realized after they were married that his wife’s mother didn’t wear makeup; she was the hippie type and so “like mother like daughter” she followed. This bothered the husband who said, “But now we are having these long discussions about the pros and cons of makeup. I don’t think I’m going to win the argument.” So, image is important to him; apparently not with her. Sad I think that a pretty picture was painted before they got married of how pretty she looked in makeup, then she let this part of her image go.
A WOMAN’S IMAGE: Yes, a woman should be loved with our without makeup; there are times this won’t happen. She is not always going to be picture perfect. However, most women are pretty-plain and need a little color and dimension to their already pretty self. It makes a man proud to be seen with a beautiful woman who is fit and pretty. It makes him look good; men like to strut like peacocks showing off their feathers–and a beautiful woman who keeps up her image is like a “feather in his cap.” I have a friend who always wears her company face when out in public; I have never seen her without makeup and hair done just right, when she is not fresh and her most beautiful self. She tells a funny story of when she was first married, she asked her husband as there was always a limit on time in the morning: “What do you want first thing in the morning, beauty or breakfast?” For which he replied, “beauty.” Well there you go.
A MAN’S IMAGE: Most women like a man that is clean shaven; this doesn’t mean he can’t show a little beard (scruff) as long as it is well-groomed. If a man wears a beard it needs to be well-groomed as well. If not, it gives the appearance that he is sloppy and lazy and not ambitious. If a man does not have hair that’s okay, just don’t wear a heavy beard to compensate for your lack of hair on the head. If going bald, shave it all off and wear a close-shaven beard (scruff); this is a nice look. Just look at the latest fashion magazines for men’s hair and go from there.
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Keep Love Alive #3 – “CLEANLINESS is Next to Godliness”; and who doesn’t want to look like a god or goddess?
There are two “Cleanliness is Next to Godliness” traits: (1) Be clean in your appearance, and (2) Be clean in your actions – be pure.
#1 Clean Appearance: If a person smells fresh and looks fresh, it is a sign that they respect themselves and expect you to respect them also. If one showers daily and washes hair daily (every other day for girls with dry hair) and scrub yourself clean; wear fresh clothes. If your habits are otherwise–please change. Your mommy may not have raised you to be this way–but the person you are dating doesn’t want to have to be your momma and tell you.
#2 Clean in Your Actions – Be Pure: In his talk “Be Ye Clean,” Gordon B. Hinckley said, “The Lord has given a commandment in our time that applies to each of us. He has said, ‘Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly.’ And with this He has given a promise, ‘Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God’ (D&C 121:45).
I remember going to President McKay years ago to plead the cause of a missionary who had become involved in serious sin. I said to President McKay, “He did it on an impulse.” The President said to me: “His mind was dwelling on these things before he transgressed. The thought was father to the deed. There would not have been that impulse if he had previously controlled his thoughts.”
The finger of the Lord wrote on the tablets of stone, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Ex. 20:14). I believe that fornication is included within that term.
Of course you are tempted. It seems as if the whole world has become obsessed with sex. In a very beguiling and alluring way, it is thrown at you constantly. You are exposed to it on television, in magazines and books, in videos, even in music. Turn your back on it. Shun it. I know that is easy to say, and difficult to do. But each time that you do so, it will be so much the easier the next time. What a wonderful thing it will be if someday you can stand before the Lord and say, “I am clean.”
COMMENTS FROM SINGLES:
• “I love a guy to take a shower before he comes to see me; especially if he has been playing sports or working out. I went out with a guy once and knew he had been to a game. I forgave him that once; then another date he smelled bad the second time; that was it!” – Jenn
• “I like a guy to yes, be attracted to me, but no, I don’t want to be uncomfortable having to dodge his impure advances toward me.” – Anna
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Keep Love Alive #4 – FLATTERY will get you attention; just make sure it is genuine.
Someone said, “Flattery is soft soap; it is 90% lye.” Let’s hope not.
• Mark Twain, American author and humorist said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
Yes, and it will help you to be yourself and to relax. Having to remember what you said to whom could get you into trouble.
• Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher said, “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
• George Washington said, “It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.”
• Abraham Lincoln said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.”
• COMMENTS FROM SINGLES: “Lying is a good enough reason to break up.”
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Keep Love Alive #5 – Have an ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE; this is telling someone that you don’t require a lot to please you.
This doesn’t mean that you are saying our are LOW MAINTENANCE (you need to challenge others to step up to the plate with things that please you). However, you want to be HIGH MAINTENANCE to yourself because you require a lot of upkeep right? However, others are often too busy to maintain you and them at the same time. To show you are truly happy with the simplest things doesn’t make you low-maintenance, it just make you easier to live with. Someone said, “It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.”
I love the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands where Dr. Laura Schlessinger tells how many men/husbands can’t do enough to please their women/wives–where discontent kills love and affection. Let’s face it, we live in the “me” generation where it is easy to get-spoiled. Let’s turn it around to a “what can I do for you” generation. We need to say thank you more often and do our part to make our loved one’s worlds a little brighter. This goes for both sides where both men and women both need to show gratitude. Simon Mainwaring, Businessman said, “The simple act of saying ‘thank you’ is a demonstration of gratitude in response to an experience that was meaningful to a customer or citizen.”
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Keep Love Alive #6 – TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH by showing interest FIRST without knowing that you are loved. 
• Bob Marley, Songwriter said, “Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” A love-sick student asked a professor, “I knew this girl was right for me, but she married someone else.” The educated man asked, “What did you do to show her? Did you court her and did you tell her you loved her?” He said, “No.” The man said, “It just goes to show you that faith without works is dead.”
• President Thomas S. Monson in his talk Decisions Determine Destiny told about seeing and meeting his future wife at a dance. He said, “I had a decision to make, and I thought to myself: ‘This decision requires courage. What should I do?’ I found in my heart an appreciation of that phrase, ‘When the time for decision arrives, the time for preparation is past.’ I squared my shoulders and plunged toward my opportunity. . . . That decision was one of the most important decisions that I have ever made. Young people who are at that particular time in their lives have the responsibility to make similar decisions. They have the important responsibility to choose whom to marry—not only whom to date.”
• “Care is a state in which something does matter; it is the source of human tenderness.” – Rollo May
• “You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” Barbara de Angelis
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Keep Love Alive #7 – Accept Each other “AS IS” (free of criticism). Then you can both relax in your friendship or romance.
One of our relatives and dearest friend was proposed to by a very handsome well-to-do man; she at age 80 and he 90. They made an agreement that if their marriage was to work they had to take each other ‘AS IS’ which means that whatever they discover that they don’t like about each other, they just ignore it and keep going. They have been married six years now and are very happy. Yes, there are always adjustments. You would want someone to accept you as you are, right?
• “Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.” – Hugh Mackay
• “Toast: To those who have seen us at our best and seen us at our worst, and can’t tell the difference.” – Hallmark Movie: “Royal Christmas”
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Keep Love Alive #8 – Have a sense of adventure by taking turns TAKING THE LEAD. Then you both can play a “LEAD”-ing role. 
Our family has a dear friend who passed on with cancer this year; she and her Polynesian husband were very happy; she had a sense of adventure and was always out and doing and making the most of each moment and showing her love to all. She had a caring loving attitude and did what “Daddy” (as she called her mate) wanted to do. She taught us about give and take. If a man has to be “the boss” all the time “his way or the highway” he will surly miss out. If the woman holds back by not speaking her mind–afraid to take the lead, a relationship can’t grow and flourish–it is one-sided and will eventually fall (one or the other will not be happy or fulfilled).
Keep Love Alive #9 – Friends or couples that PLAY TOGETHER (wholesome recreation) increase their chances of staying together. 
• Plato wrote, “You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”
It is said that “Recreation is a window to the soul.” If you really want to get to know someone make your dates adventuresome. Dinner is great but dinner and a movie is a dead-end. How about dinner and a __________ (you fill in the blank) hopefully by doing something they might be interested in doing.
Relationships are a little strained at first when you don’t know someone well. One might not trust that the like is genuine. We don’t trust that they will like us; so we hold back and don’t communicate. Then the friendship or relationship doesn’t grow beyond the first date or first few dates. This is why it is critical to do many wholesome recreational activities together–making it easier for open expression.
Practice releases pressure. Take the plunge; try something new; dive in; swim!
SINGLE’S VIEWS:
• “Women love a man who shows an interest in her interests by wanting to do things she might be interested in. I’m an Interior Designer so I like to go to home shows, art shows, vintage car shows, and shopping for home accessories.”
SINGLES: We need your comments (submit below):
Keep Love Alive #10 – ACT LOVED and you will find love; to find love you must sincerely care about yourself first. 
It is said that the hardest thing to do in a relationship is to act loved. Yet it is critical that we do. By acting loved, believe it or not you will attract that special person to you. Self-love is a magnetic force that moves you in a positive direction. Say to yourself, “Why shouldn’t that person like/love me? I have a lot to offer in this relationship.
The Author, Matthew Hussey teaches that we must have confidence, or when we see red flags in a relationship we may not have the courage to walk away. It is easier to stay because we don’t feel we are worthy of someone better.
Confidence is critical if we are to be happy and attract someone with like qualities. STOP anything that is negative in your thought patterns; get help; get yourself on track.
• SINGLES: We need your comments (submit below):
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KEEP LOVE ALIVE: 10 Ways to Love Yourself So You Can Love Others
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